As a men’s work facilitator with over 15 years of experience in studying human connection, I’ve had a lot of conversations with men about their bedroom adventures. And, in the past month men have been showing up for virtual men’s circles in numbers I’ve never seen. 

These men are desperately and understandably seeking out support and connection, often without realizing that one of the most healing practices they can do right now is to have sex. Shamelessly and intentionally. With their partners, or even with themselves.

Right now we are all being forced into the “lone wolf paradigm” because of the mandatory quarantine. Research has shown that this cultural norm of isolationism breeds loneliness, addiction, depression and even suicide.

Men of all ages, races and nationalities have been showing up in droves, sharing vulnerably in these councils about how they are falling back on old habits and cycles of sedation in order to find some sense of release or control in these challenging times. 

Whether it's binge eating, drinking/smoking all day, over-working, or just numbing out in front of a screen for hours, this crisis has provided an opportunity for all of us to see how we are when our escape hatches are sealed off.

The shit is officially hitting the fan. Let’s all have a bunch of sex!

Sex is, after all, the most powerful (and often misused) force in the universe. The act of sex has the greatest potential for us to transform our relationship to our bodies, our minds and loved ones.

These hard times are requiring us to get creative and resourceful like never before in order to keep our heads on straight, and in some cases, to survive. 

While many of us are leaning hard on our default coping mechanisms, some of us are seizing this opportunity to take a good, hard look in the mirror.

If you want to skip the insights and background,

click here to get right to the two keys to sexing while in quarantine.

Here’s the truth.

As humans, we are defined not by how we act when things are going smoothly in life, but rather by how we act when the shit hits the fan.

Well, the shit is definitely hitting the fan.

And so there has never been a more opportune time for us to redefine ourselves.

But where do we even begin to rewrite outdated patterns of being?

Some context for the thinkers.

We begin at the root. Our root, aka the part of us that is connected to the Earth, represents our body. Every major ancient tradition touches on this key concept: 

Our roots are symbolic of the flesh and bones of our physical body 

It is here, in our feet and legs all the way up to the tip of our tailbone and the pelvic floor, that we form the foundation for our entire body and being.

For men, the root also relates to our sex organs, which hang down lower than the genitals of women, and thus are more connected to root energy.

And so, men, every time we connect with our genitals, we are practicing one of the most basic forms of connecting to our bodies and the Earth.

So my question for you, men, is: 

What is the quality of your relationship to your body and your sexuality?

This most fundamental relationship with yourself will indicate the nature of your relationship to ALL things and all people.

There we have it. The root is where we start.

I’ve been doing deep root work and healing my relationship to sex for almost a decade, and over the past few years I’ve experienced a sexual upgrade of sorts as I’ve been working through deep layers of sexual shame and trauma. 

I owe this awakening to three things: 

1) my daily sexual life force practice

2) the emotional and accountability support of my men’s group 

3) my committed relationship to my partner

Why is healing your relationship to sex so relevant now?

For one, research shows that sex is beneficial to our immune systems as well as excellent for stress reduction.

But here’s the thing, if you are sexually active and feeling ashamed in the act of sex, (partner or solo), you are actually adding more stress and anxiety to your nervous system, which weakens your immune system. 

Consistent self-shaming leads to a negative self-image, which can lead to depression, addiction, and finally, the cycle continues and can spiral out of control.

MORE isn’t always BETTER

It’s not just about MORE sex. Building vitality and immunity in these challenging times is about having sex without shame and with intentionality. This is how we can support ourselves and our partners to heal and grow in the most potent way.

Here are two keys to quarantine sex, that is sex that nourishes us and opens up a new possibility of relating to ourselves (and thus others) in a healthy way.

Key #1: HAVE SHAMELESS SEX

Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Your first task, as a grown man, is to release any and all shame. 

Shame does not serve us. Shame comes from a story or belief that you most likely learned from your family, teachers, past partners, religion, pop culture, porn, etc. 

Let’s get real: in our culture, sex is often viewed as dirty, dangerous and, some cases, evil. Even the word “masturbate” is inherently dirty. It comes from the Latin roots of “defile with one’s hand.”

And let’s get even more real: most men are addicted to pornography or have been at some point. Porn is not inherently bad, though it is our relationship to it that is often sour. The question to ask here is, “How do I feel when I am watching porn? And how do I feel right after?” If you are feeling guilty (shame), I invite you to try self-pleasure without porn and see what comes up.

So, the challenge is on. Can you let go of all shame and remember the truth about your sexuality? The truth is that you are a divine sexual creature, that your genitals are sacred tools of pleasure designed for connection and healing. And your relationship to your sex is perfect and whole exactly as it is.

If you need help releasing your shame, I invite you to enroll in Jed.i Husband Training to get the tools you will need and the group support that is often needed to begin the process of releasing all shame.

KEY #2: HAVE INTENTIONAL SEX

Our sexuality has the power to heal us. But it can only do so for ourselves and our partners if we intentionally direct it.

The practice of healing/restorative sex has two steps. First, we become aware of where within us is hurting (aka shadow work) and second, we focus our sexual life force energy to channel and permeate through that place with pleasure. 

If you’d like to learn more about intentional sex and sex magic, definitely join Jed.i Husband Training.

To wrap up, these hard times are requiring us to get creative and resourceful like never before in order to keep our heads on straight, and in some cases, to survive. Sex is one of the most powerful forces in the universe and thus has the greatest potential for us to transform our relationship to our bodies, our minds and loved ones.

Men, may you use this time of staying in to realize your sexual vitality, that is shame-free and that is ready to be used as a tool for healing.

And so it is.